Saturday, July 30, 2011

Friday, July 29, 2011

Girl: Are you free..?? Lets hang out tonight.. Boy: I can`t.. I m hanging out with someone else.. Girl: Who..?? Boy: The most beautiful, special, amazing girl in the world? Girl: Oh...Gud bye !!! (5 minutes later the doorbell rings) Girl: Why are u here? Boy: I already told you, i was coming over.. :) :) ?


Boy:Goodnight I love you with all my heart! Girl: Awww! I love you too! Night :)) NEXT DAY..... Boy:Hi..... Girl: Whats Wrong? Boy: Idk....I kinda dont really wanna be with u anymore..


I have a best friend of the opposite sex, and they mean the whole world to me. We`re not dating and yes, we do laugh together, that isn't flirting, it's called a joke. I can tell them secrets and they will keep them. I can trust them with my life and they make me smile on a daily basis =)


BEST PRANK EVER. . I took my friend`s phone and changed my contact name to mom. Then texted her: I read you diary. You are grounded and I`m coming to pick you up right now. She started flipping out and got really scared ..:P


Guy - Can I c0nfess s0mething? Girl - Sure! Guy - You`ve the prettiest smile I`ve ever seen ? .. Girl - Can I confess s0mething as well? Guy - Yeahh. Girl - This smile only exists because 0f y0uu =]


Guy - Can I c0nfess s0mething? Girl - Sure! Guy - You`ve the prettiest smile I`ve ever seen ? .. Girl - Can I confess s0mething as well? Guy - Yeahh. Girl - This smile only exists because 0f y0uu =]


Girl: I`m going to kill you. Boy: Why? Girl: You`ve invaded my privacy. Boy: How so? Girl: You`re in my thoughts, my dreams, my hopes, even my diary. You tiptoe into my mind all the time. Boy: So, you kind of love me, huh?


Don`t call a girl a s|ut if she`s wearing short-shorts, don`t call a girl a b!tch when she`s proving a point, don`t call a girl a flirt when she's just being nice... & don't call a girl obsessed when she's just in love! (:


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Boy: "Hey baby, want to come over tonite?" Girl: "Sure! What do you want to do?" Boy: I`ll give you a hint. It involves pillows and blankets ;)" Girl: "OH MY GOD! WE`RE GONNA BUILD A FORT!?" Boy: …….........


Just Testing


When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it`s not becaues she`s dumb, it`s b/c she`s not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he`ll change. ♥


ok..byE


Boy: "Hey baby, want to come over tonite?" Girl: "Sure! What do you want to do?" Boy: I`ll give you a hint. It involves pillows and blankets ;)" Girl: "OH MY GOD! WE`RE GONNA BUILD A FORT!?" Boy: ……..


My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"


a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?


Some guy just knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool. I gave him a glass of water.


Wow. You guys are so cool for taking a profile picture. Of yourself. In a mirror. In your bathroom. With a toilet as your background. Nice. XD


My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"


I don`t understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they`re like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we dont, we sh*t outside..."


I don`t understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they`re like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we dont, we sh*t outside..."



I Don`t Mind When Our Conversations Get A Little Boring Or When We`re Texting & We Run Out Of Things To Say . I Don`t Care When We`re Hanging Out & We`re Doing Absolutely Nothing , Because Just Having You Is Enough To Make Me Happy ..


hell yea


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Dear 4th Grader, On Facebook, your relationship status is "It`s complicated". What he do? Steal your animal crackers? Sincerely, Your Mother.



hmm.. just check


We defended the Stone, we found the Chamber, we freed the Prisoner, we were chosen by the Goblet, we fought alongside the Order, we learnt from the Prince, and we mastered the Hallows. We are the Harry Potter generation ÏŸ


We defended the Stone, we found the Chamber, we freed the Prisoner, we were chosen by the Goblet, we fought alongside the Order, we learnt from the Prince, and we mastered the Hallows. We are the Harry Potter generation ÏŸ


I do what I want, where I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, where ever I want....... But as long as my mommy says it's OK first...


That "F*CK YOU, YOU MOTHER F*CKING PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F*CKING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe...


I don`t understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they`re like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we dont, we sh*t outside..."


My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"


Saturday, July 23, 2011

Friday, July 22, 2011

The lezbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch..

“I just broke up with my girlfriend someone and the last thing she said to me was "You`ll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."” :p

"Age five: I like you. Age eight: Can u hold my hand? Age ten: Wanna be my girl/boyfriend?Age thirteen: Kiss me..Age Sixteen: I love you :) Age eighteen: I never wanna be w/out you" Like this if you think love is awesome. ♥

Most girls would get mad if their boyfriends randomly start playing Call Of Duty in the middle of spending time together; I'm the type of girl that picks up the controller and plays it with you. [:

“I just broke up with my girlfriend someone and the last thing she said to me was "You`ll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”

I hate it when people, wear my glasses and say, "Wow you really are blind!" Well no sh●t, you don't see me taking a persons wheelchair and saying, "Wow you really can't walk!"

It has been scientifically proven that any women can be satisfied with only 3.5 inches. The good thing is that it doesn`t matter whether it`s Visa, MasterCard or Amex.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

At age 4 success is not peeing your pants. At age 12 success is having friends. At age 16 success is having a driver license. At age 20 success is having sex. At age 35 success is having money. At age 50 success is having money. At age 60 success is having sex. At age 70 success is having a driver license. At age 75 success is having friends. At age 80 success is not peeing your pants.

My girl friend asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday. I replied, "An*l S*x." She said "Don`t be silly, I mean something that I can buy..." So I replied with, "Ok, An*l s*x, with a prostitute..."

The difference between men and women. When a woman is asked how she would feel if she caught her husband in bed with another man she replies " Devastated". Men are only devastated when told he's not allowed to join in.

A good friend would buy you a pregnancy test and support you as best they can. A best friend would buy you a pregnancy test and wait outside of the bathroom door yelling, "NAME IT AFTER ME!!!!!"

I Don`t Mind When Our Conversations Get A Little Boring Or When We`re Texting & We Run Out Of Things To Say . I Don`t Care When We`re Hanging Out & We`re Doing Absolutely Nothing , Because Just Having You Is Enough To Make Me Happy ..

Can you believe that it took Harry Potter 7 stupidly long books to catch the bad guy, when it only takes Scooby Doo & Shaggy 25 minutes...

Hot Girl: Haha what a nerd Me: He`ll probably be your boss one day so be careful about what you say... Nerd: No I wont be her boss becuase I don`t plan on becoming a pimp... Whole Class: Ohhhh Sh*t!

Ladies, here is a few tips for when you are texting guys: 1. Don`t expect a reply every five minutes. The average Call Of Duty games lasts around 10. 2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us a chance to answer during a kill cam. 3. Utilise naked pictures. Guys love naked pictures..

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

What happened to us? We were best friends who did everything together then one day it stopped, and now you look at me like a piece of dirt on your shoe. What did i do?


I love the way you lie :) . . . Just kidding! Lie to me again, & I`ll throw a chair at your face. (;

Well done d*ckheads, why not queue for the ATM by standing in a line across the f*cking street and get in everyone's way, when you could queue along the wall and NOT get in everyone`s way.

Like the other day like, I was like chatting to my friend and like, she was like, telling me that like, I said the word "like" like, about a hundred times but I was like, " no way " and she was like, "hell yer you do " and I was like, "shut up." :'(

_________ is new to facebook, suggest friends for them! Ermmm they`ve got me as a friend, why do they need more? AM I NOT AWESOME ENOUGH!

Friendship isn`t about who you have known the longest. It isn`t about who you see the most. And it isn`t even about who knows you the best. It`s about who came and never left.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

*Music plays* Girl 1:Omg you look so pretty in that outfit! Girl 2: Awh! Thanks you look pretty too! Now lets change it up a bit Guy 1: Dude you look so Hawt! *Music stops* Guy 2: Dude... Are you gay? *Awkward Silence*ce*

Dad: Will you marry me? Daughter: EW NO! Dad: Good. We`ll just keep practicing this so that when someone actually asks you to marry them, it`ll just be a kneejerk reaction.

BF:Wanna Know Something ? GF:What ? bf:Loving you is the second best thing I ever did . gf:Second ...? okayyy ): bf:..And finding you was the first..

What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine? A: The washing machine doesn`t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!

Me: Can I use the bathroom? Teacher: I don`t know, can you? Me: When I was using "can" I was using its secondary model form as a verbal modifier asking for permission, as opposed to expressing an ability. I thought since you were a teacher you`d know that. My bad. MAY I use the restroom? Teacher:...

I received a blank text from my wife the other day.When I got in from work I asked “Why did you send me a blank text?" She replied "Because I`m not talking to you.”

Sorry but im sexually attracted to you and when I touch you and feel you, I just want to rip all of your clothes off... I hope you dont mind ;)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

My Wife said to me angrily "I`m fed up with you. You never do anything to help around the house, you havent got a job. You are so lazy, pack your bags and leave now!" So i replied: You pack them for me, I cant be bothered...

A man walks into a bar and stand next to an extremely hot woman. He stands their and continuously looks at his watch. The hot woman asks: "Is you date late or something?" The man replies: "No, I`m just amazed by my magic watch.." "What does you watch do so magical?" Asks the woman. The man replies: "Well it tells me anything I want to know..." The woman asks: "Well ask it something, what does it say?" The man says: "I already asked it a question, it says you`re not wearing any panties..." The woman replies: "Well your watch is wrong, I am wearing panties." The man replies: "Oh sorry, my watch is one hour fast..."

Yesterday, my family went out to dinner for my mom`s birthday. She decided she had to use the bathroom, and a few minutes later so did I. I thought that my mom was in the stall next to me, so I reached under and grabbed her leg as a joke. It wasn`t my mom

Heart Melting Story: A Woman was Admitted in Hospital as She was Suffering from Brain Tumor..:( His Son & Relatives were Around Her, She Died within a few Hours..:`( His Son Cried the whole Day & Became Ill. He Returnd Home the Next Day; & Wen He Opened His Moms Cupboard, He found some Tablets kept in a Letter,!! In the Letter it was Written: " TAKE THESE TABLETS DEAR; I know U Catch Cold Easily after Crying..[:`( :(

Saturday, July 9, 2011

“Baby Please Come BacK ... It wasn`t you..Baby It was me.. May be our relationship It isn`t crazy as it seems...“. ♥Which song's Lyrics is this of.. ??

Is it just me or do you? : 1. Feel like the grudge is in your closet. 2. Pretend you`re not scared. But inside you`re about to pee your pants. 3. To "study" you look at the study guides for like 2 seconds. 4. When you`re in the pool you act like a proffesional swimmer. 5. You look at your phone every 2 seconds to see if anyone texted you. 6. In the shower you stay there and daydream until you`re parents yell " Are you done?

Advantages of Being a Guy: 1.We have a p**is. 2.We still have a p**is. 3. My god we love our my p**is. 4. Did I mention we have p**is`s? 5. As you can see we have p**is`s. And finally.. 6. Our penis doesnt bleed every week out of the month..

A 5 year old boy walks in on his dad naked boy says : "what this daddy ?" pointing to his penis. dad says : "thats my limo" boy walks in on his mam naked boy say : "whats that?" pointing to her tits then he points at her fanny and says whats this mam says "that my garage and front lights" boy walks in on his mam and dad having sex and says "mam turn on your front lights dads limo is stuck in your garage!!" Like if you get this .

*Real Conversation* Me: You know what`s awkward? Running into your ex-boyfriend. Dad: Yeah, but you know what`s pleasant? Running OVER your ex-boyfriend. My dad`s my hero.

Sometimes you make me so angry that I feel like throwing you into a load of oncoming cars. But then I realise I would probably kill myself trying to save you afterwards...

Mom:: It`s gonna rain. Me: How do you know? Mom: There`s clouds in the sky.. Me: Just `cause there`s clouds doesn`t mean it`ll rain. Kind of like a smile; just cause someone is smiling, doesn`t mean they`re happy.

*walks into class late* Teacher: "why are you late? Student: ''I'm late?'' Teacher: "You just missed an entire period" Student: "Are you telling me I'm pregnant?''.

You still have a lot of unanswered questions about Harry Potter, like who took Voldemort`s body after he killed James and Lily, where do Hogwarts teachers sleep and shower or why no staff member seems to be married,

When a girl hacks a Facebook account: OMG Amy! You have been hacked By Megan! Love Ya When a boy hacks a Facebook account: Im gay!..

Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise Her ...Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.. She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number: "Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone: "Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen.. =P

Monday, July 4, 2011

Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain`t goin`.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.” Student: Wow! Ain`t nobody goin` then?

JO choka

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

I have just started a new job as a head teacher at a new school. From now on, it is school policy that whenever someone fails a test, all the teachers have to staple a McDonald`s application form to the front of it. That`ll teach them.

Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can`t understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.


Remember when you were little and every time you drank soda out of a glass bottle, you always pretended it was beer.

*40 Year Old Man and A Blonde In A Supermarket* Man: "Sorry ive been staring and i think i know you..." Blonde: Yeah, i know you too, one of the kids i have is yours!" Man: "Are you that blonde stripper i saw at a bachelor party i? when you tied me with handcuffs, licked my d*ck and we ended up having wild sex on the kitchen table?" Blonde: "No, im your son`s teacher..."

There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you`ve been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you`ve got.

*Boy is flirting with Girl, and Boy suddenly pulls out a cigarrette* Girl: OMG, you smoke? Boy: Yeah Girl: Wow! That`s so cool! Boy: Oh, really? Girl: Nah, I`m just kidding... HAHA NOOOO THAT`S SO NOT COOL! HAHA! YOUR GONNA DIE FIRST!! :D

Saturday, July 2, 2011

*Goes onto blocked list*. Hm, why is she blocked? *Unblocks her and goes onto chat*. Girl says: "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAY BABAEZZZZZ!! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX" That`s why she was blocked.

Can you relate? -you sit in your towel after a shower because you`re to lazy to get dressed. -you and your bestfriend can say one word, and crack up. -you hate when one string of you`re hoodie is longer than the other. -you hate it when people think you like someone when you clearly don`t. -you hate it when your favorite song comes on, as you pull into the driveway. -you feel like if you turn on the lights, you will be safe from anything. -you push those little buttons on the lids of fast-food drinks. -you laugh until people get hurt, then stop when you realize it`s serious. -you hate it when parents get serious about something funny you tell them. -you hate when you tell a guy to shut up and they copy you in a higher voice. -you pretend to sleep when your parents come in. -you text the person next to you things that you can`t say out loud. -you hate when people in front of you walk really slow and you can`t get past them. -you`re always tired no matter how much sleep you get. -you stop the microwave before it hits 00:00 to avoid hearing the beeps. -you use the "sup" head nod. -you hate when you are mad at someone and they make you laugh. -you check the fridge every ten seconds to see if food magically appeared..

When you`re going around class taking turns reading, you count ahead to the paragraph you`ll have to read and make sure you know all the words.

That "Oh Sh*t" moment when your eating mash or something soft and chewy and you hear a crunch and you think you have broken your tooth...

When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it`s not b/c she`s dumb, it`s b/c she`s not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he`ll change.