blonde says to her friends" i finally got him to ask me out" friends: "how did u do that?" blonde" you know... just like the way u guys do it" friends:" so when is the date" blonde:"30th February thats the only day he could make it i'm so excited...:D" like if you get it

Once all eggs in a woman decided to fight against sperms, they waited with guns in the pus*y but that night no one come. Suddenly 1 shouted Today the attack has from BACK SIDE.

It`s gotten to the point Where I`m afraid to like anyone. I`m afraid they`re going to become a phone number I`m no longer texting. They`re going to become pictures I have to get rid of. They`re going to become someone my parents and my friends will ask about and I`ll have to say “we don`t talk anymore.” They`re going to become someone that walks by as if we never met.

Hot Girl: Haha what a nerd! Me: He`ll probably be your boss one day, so be careful about what you say... Nerd: No I wont be her boss, because I don`t plan on becoming a pimp. Whole Class: Ohhhh Sh*t!

Conversation with the guy I like: *I answer phone* Me: Hello? Him: Is this Lexy? Me: yes....? Him: Hey I just wanted to- Someone stole his phone and said Guy: Hey Lexy? Just wanna to tell you that.. He loves you. Bye. Who ever it was, hung up. 1 minute later, someone called back Him: Hey sorry, That was my friend....he's really crazy.... Me: Ohhh....that's okay. *heart sinks* Him: .....But i really do love you. Bye.

Conversation with the guy I like: *I answer phone* Me: Hello? Him: Is this Lexy? Me: yes....? Him: Hey I just wanted to- Someone stole his phone and said Guy: Hey Lexy? Just wanna to tell you that.. He loves you. Bye. Who ever it was, hung up. 1 minute later, someone called back Him: Hey sorry, That was my friend....he's really crazy.... Me: Ohhh....that's okay. *heart sinks* Him: .....But i really do love you. Bye.

Boy: Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.. ? Boy: No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy: No.. ...Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy: No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.!! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2 Porsche.. Why I still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the salary when actually I`m the BOSS..

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn`t have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY`S DADDY!" I couldn`t get out in time. FML

When I was in kindergarten, I gave my first boyfriend a bracelet I moved away in the 3rd grade and we had to break up. 10 years later, I decided to come back to visit. I saw him at the mall the other day, and he was still wearing it. He said he never took it off since. HisLoveGivesMeHope

My Mom left me a note that read "Im going away on the weekend with your father. I`ve left $50 somewhere in your room for food. If you clean your room you should be able to find it." Now I`ve got to decide whether to clean my room or starve over the weekend... I wish she would stop leaving me with decisions to make...

One day, I was laying on my boyfriend`s bed and I closed my eyes. He and his brother must have thought I was asleep because I heard someone say, "I can tell you love her because when you look at her, your eyes sparkle just like dad's did when he saw mom in her wedding dress."

While teaching my tenth grade math class one day, a young man walked in without any warning. A girl took one quick look at him, grinned, jumped up and ran to the front of the room to hug him tightly. The man was her older brother, back from serving in Iraq for over a year. His Love Gives Me Hope

Money is made of paper, paper is made of wood, and wood is made from trees. Therefore, money does grow on trees. 1 point for us 0 points for people who say money don`'t grow on trees(:

My teacher told the class to draw a picture of any season. I done winter...... some others did winter and drew snow, snowmen, hats, scarfs. I drew snow, and gave it into my teacher when i was done. and she said ''you haven't drew anything!'' I said ''yes i have. it's a pile of snow(;.......

Today, I was talking to my third grade class about parents, one of my students asked what adoption meant. A little girl, who is adopted said... It means, that you grow in your mommy's heart not in her tummy. ♥ This Gives Me Hope .

I wish i had a boyfriend like Bruno Mars, so he could tell me that im amazing just the way i am. A sister like Taylor Swift. so she can help me through all my problems. ♥ And a brother like Eminem. so he can do some serious ass whopping to whoever messes with me. ♥

*Your about to get arrested* Cop: Your in a lot of trouble! You: wait. wait! WAIT. Cop: WHAT!? You: Can I update my status to "chilling in jail?"

*Your about to get arrested* Cop: Your in a lot of trouble! You: wait. wait! WAIT. Cop: WHAT!? You: Can I update my status to "chilling in jail?"

Someone asked, WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM SO MUCH? but before i could reply, my best friend put her hand over my mouth and said, -DON`T EVEN GET HER STARTED. ♥

first day of school; walking into a class, seeing who`s in it, and thinking... "you`ve got to be f**kingg kidding me..."

*After a Date* Boy: I`ve...had the time of my life. Girl: Me too. Boy: And I`ve never felt this way before. Girl: Me too! Boy: I swear, this is true... Girl: *Smiles* Boy: ...And I owe it all to you. *looks at girl* Girl: Aww! Your so sweet! I love yo- Boy: DIRTY BIT. *starts breakdancing really hard right there in the middle of the street* Girl: ..

Parent: We need to talk..... You: *OMG they found out about the alcohol stash under my bed, OMG someone told them about last night, OMG they no I`m not a virgin, OMG they`ll know i didnt reaaly go to my friends house the other night, OMG if my sister told on me i swer... OMG i am so freeking dead!!!!!!!...* Parent: Stop leaving all the lights on You: *phew!*

I`m sorry I`m not skinny enough so you can see my ribs. I`m sorry my boobs aren`t big enough. I`m sorry I`m not fake. I`m sorry I`m not pretty enough. But most of all I`m sorry you cant accept me for who I am. XD

Grade school vs. Middle school vs. High school. Grade school : "Mommy, can I sit at the grown - up table?" Middle school :"Ugh, I`m too old to sit at the damn kids table!" High school:"Hell yeah!! I get to sit at the kids table!" Grade school: " Yes! Coloring books!" Middle school :" WTF is this? 4th grade?!" High school:" OK, who the hell took my red crayon?!??!

Grade school vs. Middle school vs. High school. Grade school : "Mommy, can I sit at the grown - up table?" Middle school :"Ugh, I`m too old to sit at the damn kids table!" High school:"Hell yeah!! I get to sit at the kids table!" Grade school: " Yes! Coloring books!" Middle school :" WTF is this? 4th grade?!" High school:" OK, who the hell took my red crayon?!??!

Idea: if anybody ever points a gun at you, right before they kill you say some enigmatic shit like "the unicorns run more freely on the blue side" so they'll wonder what the hell you were talking about until the day they die

gnn,,

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn`t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You`re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like .. ;)

Havent we all.... 1. Perteneted to be a fast typer by pressing random keys. 2. Made a beard using bubbles from the bubble bath. 3. Turned the light switch on and off rapildy. 4. Touched something that had a "Do Not Touch" sign on it. 5. Poured mini shots into your bottle caps. 6. Tasted rain.

Girl: Hey.. i know someone who likes you Boy: Cool... who? Girl: I can`t tell you. Boy: Then why the hell would you even mention it? Like if this has ever happened to you.

Today my boyfriend dumped me. he cheated on me, and the reason he actually dumped me is because i have straight brown hair. I wasn`t the right kind of beautiful through his eyes. So at lunch, I went up to him with an apple in my hand and said “You dumped me because I have straight brown hair, that`s like saying you wont eat this apple because its green. That`s stupid. You`re stupid” I threw the apple at him and walked away.

Double heart attack message by a girl to a boy: 1st Msg: Let`s break up now, it`s all over. 2nd Msg: Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! That was not for you...:p

girl: ok. guy: you`ll wear a very very long dress next time, understand? girl: (am i a nun?) ok fine. guy: with a veil. girl: (angry) guy: wearing this ring. girl: (speechless) XDv

Son:Mom am I adopted, tell me the truth? Mom:No! why do you say that? Son:Than why am I the only sexy one in the family? explain that.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that`s the good news, then what`s the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A man was in a locker room, changing after playing golf. Suddenly, his phone rang. He put it on speaker for the rest of the guys to hear. "Hey hun!" A woman said. "Hey babe." The man said. "Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?" The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you." "Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars." "Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied. "Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it`ll go fast." She said. "Okay then offer 900,000- we`ll be sure to get it then!" "Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!" "Bye." He shut the phone. Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

A man was in a locker room, changing after playing golf. Suddenly, his phone rang. He put it on speaker for the rest of the guys to hear. "Hey hun!" A woman said. "Hey babe." The man said. "Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?" The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you." "Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars." "Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied. "Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it`ll go fast." She said. "Okay then offer 900,000- we`ll be sure to get it then!" "Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!" "Bye." He shut the phone. Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

A man was in a locker room, changing after playing golf. Suddenly, his phone rang. He put it on speaker for the rest of the guys to hear. "Hey hun!" A woman said. "Hey babe." The man said. "Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?" The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you." "Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars." "Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied. "Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it`ll go fast." She said. "Okay then offer 900,000- we`ll be sure to get it then!" "Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!" "Bye." He shut the phone. Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

** Glass breaks ** Girl: Babe, I think someone is downstairs... Boy: Don`t worry, i`ll take care of this * Grabs Toilet Brush * Girl: What`s with the toilet brush?What you going to do? Scrub them to death... Boy: Would you want to be touched with this?

My Little Sister Told Me A Story Of What Happened In Her School The Other Day. Her teacher asked a boy named Billy, "Look, the equation is simple. I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 bottles in the other. What do i have? The boy answered, A Drinking problem?

Boy and girl just had sex. Girl: Ever met someone as hot as me in bed? ;p Boy: Uhmm...Yeah just the one. Girl: Ohh... :( Boy: Yeah she`s got the same hair colour. Girl: ... Boy: Same surname. Lives at this address. Looks a lot like you! Girl: Awwww...That`s so sweet .... Boy: Yeah your mum`s awesome..

Guy: Do you want a kiss? Girl: No. Guy:Do you even know what I just said? Girl: Yea Guy: What did I say then? Girl:Do you want a kiss? Guy: Well, if you insist

Like if any of these are a part of your Childhood: Lizzie McGuire | That`s So Raven | The Suite Life of Zack & Cody | Twitches | Phil Of the Future | Even Stevens | The Proud Family | Kim Possible | Lilo & Stitch | American Dragon: Jake Long | HAnnah Montana | The Replacements | Cory In the House | Sonny With A chance | Wizards of waverly Place | Hannah Montana | The Naked Brothers Band | Drake & Josh | Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide | Zoey 101 | The Powerpuff Girls | Samurai Jack Cheers To to the 90s Kids :)

Like if any of these are a part of your Childhood: Lizzie McGuire | That`s So Raven | The Suite Life of Zack & Cody | Twitches | Phil Of the Future | Even Stevens | The Proud Family | Kim Possible | Lilo & Stitch | American Dragon: Jake Long | HAnnah Montana | The Replacements | Cory In the House | Sonny With A chance | Wizards of waverly Place | Hannah Montana | The Naked Brothers Band | Drake & Josh | Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide | Zoey 101 | The Powerpuff Girls | Samurai Jack Cheers To to the 90s Kids :)

It`s funny how Justin Bieber tells us to "never say never" But when Rebecca Black asks him to do a duet with her, he says .Never. .

It`s funny how Justin Bieber tells us to "never say never" But when Rebecca Black asks him to do a duet with her, he says .Never.

It`s funny how Justin Bieber tells us to "never say never" But when Rebecca Black asks him to do a duet with her, he says .Never.

"Are you ok?" "Yeah... I`m just tired" T orn apart I nscure R eally faking my smile E xtreamly sad D rownin in my tears .....yea just tired

gf: baby i seriously dont know why your ex hates me so much.. bf: look at the keyboard on your computer. gf: why???.. bf: because U and I are together, and my U come above my X ..gf: *blushes* like if you get it ♥

gf: baby i seriously dont know why your ex hates me so much bf: look at the keyboard on your computer gf: why??? bf: because U and I are together, and my U come above my X gf: *blushes* like if you get it ♥

Gf (to her bf) :What is Love ?? people talk so much about love but i don`t really know what it is ? Bf (replied) :when i get angry on you & you try to persuade me that feeling is love, when i don`t talk to you & you get worried about me that is called love, ..when you care for me whenever am sick or in pain, that is love, And finally when you get scared even from the thought of us being apart from each other, this scary feeling is called LOVE ♥

the boy & the girl were online chatting] boy: So..have you ever been in love? girl: of course, i mean love is so hard, you know boy: how is it hard? girl: well, when you love someone, sometimes they just don`t love you back. boy: is that what your feeling right now? girl: haha no [she lied] boy: ohh..well, i gotta go bye [he lied] girl: okay bye [the boy signed off, but he really didn`t sign off, he was offline, but the girl thought he really did sign off] girl: [she sighed & one tear went down on her face.. but then she typed]...i love you ♥.. boy: [then the boy typed] i love you, too ♥

Boy and girl just had sex. Girl: Ever met someone as hot as me in bed? ;p Boy: Uhmm...Yeah just the one. Girl: Ohh... :( Boy: Yeah she's got the same hair colour. Girl: ... Boy: Same surname. Lives at this address. Looks a lot like you! Girl: Awwww...That`s so sweet .... Boy: Yeah your mum's awesome.

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It`s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That`s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It`s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It`s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don`t give me the job, I`ll tell who`s the father!"

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. <br/>
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They tested him. <br/>
They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, <br/>
"It`s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." <br/>
"That`s correct", said the boss. <br/>
Another glass. <br/>
"It`s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." <br/>
"Correct." <br/>
The director was astonished. <br/>
He winked at his secretary to suggest something. <br/>
She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. <br/>
"It`s a blond, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. <br/>
And if you don`t give me the job, I`ll tell who`s the father!"

We all have done this durning our sleep... 1. Woken up in the morning and said thank god that was a dream 2. before your about to fall asleep your thinking of falling and you quickly kick your feet 3. kept switching the pillow sides to the cold side. Like If you have done these things.

After hot passionate s*x last night with my girlfriend, she snuggled up next to me and said "You know, You are by far the biggest I`ve ever had" Apparently, "Ditto" is no the right response...

Today , my phone wasn`t working properly , After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away.... Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me

A lady jumped a signal. Policeman: What u did? Lady:plz let me go.I`m a school teacher.I am getting late for my class. Policeman: Aahaa, So you are a teacher. I have waited ...for this moment all my life. Now write "I WILL NEVER JUMP A SIGNAL", 1000 TIMES. :)

I have 5 fingers for a reason. my pinky; is for my best friend &the promises i`ll never break my ring finger; is for that special guy when the time is right my middle finger; is for my haters, to show them it`s my life not theirs my pointer finger; to pick who matters in my life &who never did &my thumb; to show the rest of the world that i`m gonna be okay.. :D

*Girl is walking, van pulls up beside her* 80% of people - Keep walking normally. 10% of people - Walk faster. 9% of people - Cross the road. 1% of people - Going crazy because they think it`s a rapist about to trap them in his van and take them away. Who else is that 1%?

Mom: "What kind of site were you on?" You: "YouTube, Facebook, nothing unusual." Mom: "Then why did you close it so quickly when I walked in?" You: "Because I can."

(new version) Girl: I`m having heart surgry today. Boy: I know. Girl: I love you! Boy: I love you more, much more! After surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father is next to her bed. Girl: Where is he? Father: You don`t know who gave you the heart? Girl: What? (She starts crying) Father: I`m just kidding, he went to the toilet :D

I received a blank text from my wife the other day.When I got in from work I asked “Why did you send me a blank text?" She replied "Because I’m not talking to you.”

***When are people going to realise that If I have my iPod in, 1. I cant hear a word you are saying. 2. And if I have my iPod on around you, then it means I don't want to talk to you...

I was thinking of you just a short while I missed your sweet kiss, and I loved your precious smile I was just thinking of you and your beautiful eyes Just looking into mine, They`ll tell no lies I was thinking of you when I felt my heart ache I wish I had your love, A love that will never break I was thinking of you holding on to me The way I felt, The way it could be I was thinking of you to tell you I`d try To give you pure love, Till`` the day that I die I was thinking of you letting me care Just to let you know, I`ll always be there.

A blonde was withdrawing money from the ATM machine. The blonde behind her: HAHA I saw your pin number, it`s four stars! First blonde (the one withdrawing the money): HAHA you`re wrong, it`s 1566!

I`m a liar because I won`t tell you everything. I`m stupid because sometimes I`m wrong. I`m ugly because sometimes my face isn`t perfect. I`m a pushover because I like making people happy. I`m a loser because I`m not friends with your group. I`m fake because I`m too nice. I`m weird because I`m not like you. I`m fat because I eat when I`m hungry. I`m clingy because I don`t like to be alone.Im sorry for being myself. actually, im not sorry at all ..

I have a best friend of the opposite sex, and they mean the whole world to me. We`re not dating and yes, we do laugh together, that isn't flirting, it's called a joke. I can tell them secrets and they will keep them. I can trust them with my life and they make me smile on a daily basis =)

*At the mall* Me: Dad! Can I please buy this? Dad: Use your own money! me: But I left it at home! Dad: Ok, but you gotta pay me back later.. *At home" dad forgets. you go with the flow. Like if this ever happened to you :)

**** When your Mom starts counting to 3 **** Mom: One! Me: Do you really think counting will make me do anything? Mom: Two! Me: Oh sh*t! I'm going, i`m going

Girl: What`s the price of this shirt? Boy: 5 kisses Girl: What`s the price of that dress? Boy: 10 kisses Girl: pack both of them dad will pay Boy: ...........

Girl: What`s the price of this shirt? Boy: 5 kisses Girl: What`s the price of that dress? Boy: 10 kisses Girl: pack both of them dad will pay Boy: ...........

A mom beat her kid for days. A week later the boy asks if he can go to a friend`s house and she says, "Sure but if you get stolen I ain't lookin' for you." So later the police pull up, they have the boy and a kidnapper and tell his mother, "He gave himself up to the kidnapper." And the mother asks why, the boy says, "Because you said if I get stolen you won't come looking for me." Click like if you are against child abuse.

wass up guys..

hey.. :)

Six answers given by a GIRL when she is proposed 1 No 2 I don`t have enough time for it 3 I have always seen u as a friend 4 I already have a boy friend ...5 We should concentrate on studies 6 You Don`t know enough about me yet? This Is Infatuation. Six answers given by a BOY when he is proposed 1 Yes 2 Yes 3 Yes 4 Yes 5 Yes 6 Yes This proves that guys are better humans than girls and they believe more in spreading love.. :p :D ;)