5 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/parent is taking their sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of shoes and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 5. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. The guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a kiss?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught? Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him: "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you..." Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" "I didn't feel a thing!"

Is it just me or do you? : 1. Feel like the grudge is in your closet. 2. Pretend you're not scared. But inside you're about to pee your pants. 3. To "study" you look at the study guides for like 2 seconds. 4. When you're in the pool you act like a proffesional swimmer. 5. You look at your phone every 2 seconds to see if anyone texted you. 6. In the shower you stay there and daydream until you're parents yell " Are you done?!

Usually boys believe in what they see and girls believe in what they hear, that is why .... boys lie and girls wear make up

Age 13 Boy: Can I kiss you? Girl: No my dads watching. Age 16 Boy: Can I kiss you now? Girl: Just a peck on the cheek. Age 18 Boy: Your an adult now!Can I ki....* Girl kisses him*

Boys get mad easily, but usually do not show it. Girls get sad easily and can cry like crazy! ... . Boys care about the quantity of love!. Girls care about the quality of love ... . Boys can forget, but can not forgive. Girls can forgive, but can not forget! ... . Boys can never reject a girl’s add friend request But girls often reject it just to feel powerful!! . Boys prefer the phrase "Boys vs Girls" Girls INSIST on saying "Girls vs Boys" !!

Edward: "I could kill you in seconds. So shutup." Jacob: "What are you gonna do exactly? Sparkle me to death?!"

I received a blank text from my wife the other day.When I got in from work I asked “Why did you send me a blank text?" She replied "Because I’m not talking to you.”

I received a blank text from my wife the other day.When I got in from work I asked “Why did you send me a blank text?" She replied "Because I’m not talking to you.”

Dear Girls, If a guy pauses the video game just to text you back... Marry him....

A girl asks her boyfriend to describe a beautiful girl. He says " Blond Hair, Blue Eyes, Tan skin." His Brunnet Girlfriend runs away crying but he catches her and says " You never asked me to describe a perfect girl."

Girl: What if a boy hugs me? Mom: Say Don`t Girl: What if he kisses me? Mom: Say stop. The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON`T STOP!!!!!.....

A Facebook Chat between An EX couple Girl : Hey Boy : Hey =) Girl : How are you ? *Boy types : I`m Miserable ! I need you Back ! I Miss you ! I LOVE YOU ! ! ! * Then Erased it.. Boy : I'm Fine..

If in a conversation between girl and boy, if girl says.... "don’t worry about it"!!!!.... Then you better freaking worry about it......

If in a conversation between girl and boy, if girl says.... "don’t worry about it"!!!!.... Then you better freaking worry about it......

Facebook. I like to use my enter button to start a new line in my post. I like having the click to comment feature. nice to know you are still finding more ways to tamper with unnecessary sh!t rather than give us what we actually want: A dislike button.

The early bird gets the worm................... But the angry bird gets the pig..........

I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."

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I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?" And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."

The early bird gets the worm................... But the angry bird gets the pig..........

The agreed supreme walks before the pretended governor.

hiii....

The early bird gets the worm................... But the angry bird gets the pig..........

The early bird gets the worm................... But the angry bird gets the pig..........

Most relationships fail not because of absence of love; but because girls love too much & boys love too many. ♥

Don’t be racist. Be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber created by Japanese people, who speaks English and looks like a Mexican.

Boy: How can I tell her "I love you?" Girl: Just do it! :) Boy: Ok, let's practise with you Girl: Great Boy: ... I love you Girl: I love you too.. see, that was easy right? Now go tell her! Boy: I just did.

Boy: How can I tell her "I love you?" Girl: Just do it! :) Boy: Ok, let's practise with you Girl: Great Boy: ... I love you Girl: I love you too.. see, that was easy right? Now go tell her! Boy: I just did.

Boy: How can I tell her "I love you?" Girl: Just do it! :) Boy: Ok, let's practise with you Girl: Great Boy: ... I love you Girl: I love you too.. see, that was easy right? Now go tell her! Boy: I just did.

Boy: How can I tell her "I love you?" Girl: Just do it! :) Boy: Ok, let's practise with you Girl: Great Boy: ... I love you Girl: I love you too.. see, that was easy right? Now go tell her! Boy: I just did.

-Do you speak English? -Yes -Name? -Adolf Bumin. -Sex? -3 to 5 times a week. -No, I mean..male/female? -Yes, male,female and sometimes camels. -Holy cow! -Yes, cows, sheep...Animals in general. -Oh dear, -No, deers, they run too fast.

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life." — John Lennon

Boy: I`ve had the time of my life. Girl: *blushes* Boy: I`ve never felt this way before. Girl: Me either Boy: And i swear...this is true. Girl: So do i. Boy: And i ow it all to you....... Girl: :) Boy: Dirty bit *starts break dancing in the middle off the street*.

Dear Butt, You managed to turn on my phone, decipher my unlock code, call pizza hut and put it on loud speaker in the middle of class. Sincerely, I`m impressed.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. As she was leaving, she yelled "You need to grow up!". I don`t know what has gotten into her. It`s probably because i didn`t give her the password to my secret fort.

Harry- So voldemort... wheres your nose? Voldemort- wheres your parents? Harry- you dont have parents as well.. Voldemort- at least i have gone through puberty Harry- ...

Me: "Hey, I`d Like a Coke Please." Waiter: "Is Pepsi OK?" Me: "Is Monopoly Money Ok?"

Mum notices her sons bed has been made without her asking..Mum finds note on boys bed: Mum im sorry, i have left home. I know im only 15 but my girlfriend is pregante and im going to live with her, you were never supportive and that really hurts me. dont bother looking for me, u wont find me. im sorry it has to be like this, but i dont see any other way. P.S: MUM IM JOKING, I WAGGED SCHOOL TODAY AND I GOT BUSTED. IM AT AIDIANS. CALL ME WHEN U HAVE CALMED DOWN. xx

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML

The top 10 things messed up with the show Spongebob: 1.How is Pearl Mr.Crabs daughter?? 2.Why doesn`t Squidward wear pants?? 3.How do they flush the toilet under water? 4.How can they see plankton?? 5.How can Sandy communicate with fish?? 6.How is there a Goo lagoon under water??? 7.Why do they take showers??? 8.How come Gary meows?? 9.How did Sandy build her dome?? 10.How can there be boats under water? Like this if you ever asked yourself any of these questions :)

Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying and headed home.

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn`t have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY`S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn`t have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY`S DADDY!" I couldn`t get out in time. FML

Justin Beiber has a girlfriend? So did John Elton, and he`s gay. Justin Beiber wrote a book? Yeah, i wrote one of those in First Year. Justin Beiber is a great singer? You havent heard my in the shower. Justin Beiber`s sexy? He`s 5"5, has an old man`s hair cut and there's only one white guy that can dress like a gangster, and that's Eminem. Justin Bieber has a movie? I made one of those for a duck in Media Studies once

Justin Beiber has a girlfriend? So did John Elton, and he`s gay. Justin Beiber wrote a book? Yeah, i wrote one of those in First Year. Justin Beiber is a great singer? You havent heard my in the shower. Justin Beiber`s sexy? He`s 5"5, has an old man`s hair cut and there's only one white guy that can dress like a gangster, and that's Eminem. Justin Bieber has a movie? I made one of those for a duck in Media Studies once

Parents: "How was school today?" You: "Good." Parents: "You always say good. How come you never give me a different answer?" You: "How come you never ask me a different question?"

gf: baby i seriously dont know why your ex hates me so much bf: look at the keyboard on your computer gf: why??? bf: because U and I are together, and my U come above my X. gf: *blushes* like if you get it. :)