Tuesday, May 31, 2011
DID YOU KNOW: -Kissing is healthy. -Bananas are good for cramps. -Chicken soup actually makes you feel better. -Its true. Guys DO insult you if they like you. -Having someone rub your tummy when it hurts actually helps it. -89% of guys would want girls to make the first move. -Girls love it when Guys hug them from behind the waist. -Chocolate makes you feel better. -Girls love it when guys let them wear their hoodie or jacket. -Guys think its cute when you mess up.
Dear Parents, I stay up late, fall out with friends, have a messy room, literally LIVE on my lap-top, I`m lazy, and I`m ALWAYS texting. Though mum, dad, I`m NOT the only teenager that acts like that. I am just a TYPICAL teenager. So don`t think your doing anything wrong, because your not. To be honest, if I WASN`T doing any of these, things, THEN you should be worried. Sincerely, Teenagers everywhere.
Dear V*giηa, I am requesting a pay due to the following reasons; 1. I do a lot of physical labour. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything that I do. 4. I work weekdays & nights, weekends and holidays. 5. I work in damp, dark and enclosed spaces. 6. My work makes me very prone to diseases. Regards, P*ηis. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Dear P*ηis, After long consideration, I am going to decline your request for a pay rise for the following reasons; 1. Your shifts only ever seem to be about 10 minutes long 2. You fall asleep after each shift. 3. You always have to be stimulated, you never seem to be self motivated. 4. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts. 5. You work place is always messy at the end of your shift. 6. You have been constantly been seen entering and exiting the work place with to small, suspicious looking bags. Regards, V*giηa
A Guy Had A Crush On This Girl He followed her wherever she went. One day the girl noticed and asked the guy. Girl: Why do you keep following me? Boy: Because you`re so pretty and I think I`m falling in love with you. Girl: Really? But you haven`t met my friend yet. She`s prettier then me and she`s right behind you. (The Boy Turns Around) Boy: Are you making fun of me? There`s no one behind me. Girl: No, but if you really loved me, you wouldn`t even bother to look back
Monday, May 30, 2011
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked, with beer....
To whomever wrote: "10 things a typical teenage girl can`t live without... 1. A Mobile Phone 2. A Laptop or Computer with internet access 3. Headphones 4. A Warm Hoodie 5. Music 6. A Facebook, Msn, or YouTube account 7. Sleep 8. Unlimited Texts 9. Hair Straighteners 10. Reality TV 5 things a typical teenage boy can"t live without... 1. COD 2. COD 3. COD 4. COD 5. COD" That`s unfair. I`m a teenage boy and I`m quite fond of oxygen
Sunday, May 29, 2011
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her brea$t$ in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the brea$t$ of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old a$$?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up." *LMFAO*
There were three moms. . A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y`all I went through my daughter`s purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed" They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter`s purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That`s nothing. I found a c*ndom in my daughter`s purse. I just cannot believe she has a p*nis" :O
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Why Studying Is Better Than S*x: 10. You can usually find someone to do it with. 9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. 8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. 7. When you open a book, you don`t have to worry about who else has opened it. 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night. 5. If you don`t finish a chapter you won`t gain a reputation as a "book teaser." 4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time. 3. You don`t get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. 2. You don`t have to put your beer down to do it. 1. If you aren`t sure what you`re doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Good girls VS. Bad Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when it`s hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they`re not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they`re fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, "Don`t... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don`t Stop..."
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her brea$t. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma`am, if your heart is as soft as your brea$t, I know you`ll forgive me." She replies, "If your peni$ is as hard as your elbow, I`m in room 243."
Friday, May 20, 2011
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I`d be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!" :P
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Like this if... you check your phone for no reason , because you know nobody texted you. you will go slightly out of your way to step on a crunchy looking leaf. you always hear your name, when its not being called. you hate hearing your voice in recordings. you use the word "thingy" when you can`t remember what something is called. you pretend your writing in class so the teacher won`t call on you. you say the entire alphabet because you can`t remember what letter comes next.
*Just pulled the bath plug out* 45% Get out of bathtub ignoring the sounds, 25% Stick there hand over to make different gurgling sounds 15% *Omg THE GRUDGE!* 10% * Look down the hole to see if theres a monster... 5% Ninja leap out of the bathtub and run completely naked to your room, like if you are that 5% :)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Disney taught me lots of things: PETERPAN taught me that the world is based on my imagination. ARIEL taught me that there are lots of discoveries in this world. MULAN taught me to be brave and fight for what`s right. CINDRELLA taught me that dreams always come true if you believe. ALADDIN taught me that there is no difference between a prince and a peasant because I will grow up to be a prince. BELLE taught me to never judge people by the way they look and that love has no barriers. And the JONAS BROTHERS taught me that being G α Y is ok...:P
Their were 2 women in heaven they were talking about how they got there... woman 1: how did you get here then?... woman 2: I froze to death woman 1: awww what a shame... woman 2: what happened to you? woman 1: i thought my husband was cheating on me so i came home and searched everywhere under the beds, in the closets but couldn`t find anyone, i got so stressed out i had a heart attack and died... woman 2: well if you had checked in the freezer we both wouldnt be here!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
After a long night of sex, the guy rolled over, got a cig and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one, "There might be some matches in the top drawer", she replied. He opened the drawer and found a box of matches sitting on top of a pic of a man *He began to worry* "This your husband?" he asked, "No silly," she replied, "Your boyfriend then?" he asked, "No not at all", she said nibbling away at his ear, "Well who is he then?" Calmly the girl replied "That`s me before the operation..."
FEMALE DICTIONARY: nothing, forget it = you better figure out what you did wrong. are you tired? = please don`t go to sleep, i love talking to you. i`m okay = hold me tight, i need a shoulder to cry on. i don`t give a f*ck anymore = i still care, but i`m tired of arguing with you. i`m cold = get a blanket and cuddle with me. leave me alone = please don`t go. i love you = tell me you do more.
Monday, May 16, 2011
YOUR PERIOD. The Negatives - Say bye bye to wearing white bottoms this week -You want to claw everybodies face off CRAAMMPSS! -You cry over everything that goes wrong -Back pain -Your face breaks out -Cravings for random food that aren`t in your house -Your jeans won`t zip -Tampons take over your purse The positives -You`re not pregnant !
Sunday, May 15, 2011
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know hat daddy has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You`re wasting your time," says the boy. "Why is that" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
have you ever laid on your bed at night & just cried ? cried because you`re ugly. because you`re not good enough. you counted all your flaws from head to toe to punish & feel worse about yourself. cried because the comments people blurt out, actually hurt your feelings. cried because your family is dysfunctional, but you`re just a kid who can`t do sh●t about it. they tell you to stop complaining, that you have it much better than the kids in Africa. you don`t want to be a burden, so you bottle it all up. around people, you`re the happiest ray of sunshine. but nobody knows, that at night when you`re alone, you break down & just cry.
• Dear Period, Thank you for reminding me, for the 9th time this year that i am not pregnant. Even though i am a virgin. Thank you for vomiting out blood whenever you like and punching me in the stomach for your wrong doings. Its an absolute pleasure having you once a month, if you can see my sarcasm. I really and truly hate you. Love your unfortunate victim, Girl. p.s your a homo.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house to watch them. -When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste. -When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter. -When you were 15, she came home from work, expecting a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked. - When you were 16, she taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could. -When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night. -When you were 18, she cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn. -When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn`t be embarrassed in front of your friends. -When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told you how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country. Like If you Love ♥ Your Mom .. ♥
When I`m around you, I: 1. Can`t seem to stop saying "um" 2. Play with my hands 3. Am too afraid to look you in the eye, but when I do, I`m utterly speechless 4. Over think everything I do 5. Under think everything I do 6. Over think everything you say to me 7. Have the extremely strong urge to play with your hair 8. Feel lucky you actually want to talk to me 9. Want to hug you. Just hug you 10. Instantly feel depressed that I`ll have to leave 11. Act like your teasing offends me, but secretly I want you to never stop 12. Want you to realize I am hopelessly in love with you LIKE if you act the same way♥
Friday, May 13, 2011
I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it`s unfair that if a guy f*cks a different girl every week, he`s a legend, but if a girl f*cks just two guys in a year, she`s a s|ut.So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it`s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it`s a sh!tty lock.That shut her up
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
daughter-mommy, mommy! i got 5$! Mom-Well how did you get that? Daughter: Tommy said if i show him how i do my cartwheels while he sits up in his tree house he will give me 5$! Mom-honey thats only because he can look at your underwear! Dont take anymore money from him! *Next Day!* Daughter- Mommy, mommy, i got 10$ from tommy *mom looks disapionted* Daughter:But mommy, its okay! i tricked tommy :) i did not wear my underwear this time :) *like if you get it*
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
girl: wanna try something new? bf: yeah k. girl: alright come to my house after school. (boy walks to her house thinks what does she want to do? does she want to have sex, should i have a condom? will i need more than 1, i`ll go buy some) 30 min later at girls house (boy knocks and girl answers) girl: "hey, come up to my room for your suprise" "bf: "alright" (as he`s walking pulls out condom) *at door* girl: "ok, here we go, (bf`s name) say hello to my mum and dad." (bf standing pants down) bf: …….
Monday, May 2, 2011
Relationships Before Marriage: Boy: I have been waiting for this day. Girl: Do u want me to leave?? Boy: NO!!!! Girl: Do u love me? Boy: Of Course Girl: Will u ever cheat on me?? Boy: Never in my life Girl: Will u ever kiss me? Boy: Every chance i get Girl: Will u hit me?? Boy: Are u crazzy..! Girl: Can i trust u?? Boy: Yes..!! Girl: Sweet Heart..! After Marriage: (now read from bottom to top)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
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